MIA... or where I have been

Life can throw a whole lotta crap at you, all in one fell swoop. You're rolling along, things are going just fine, you're enjoying your life... and then BAM! One phone call and your heart skips a beat or two, your ears are filled with thunderous sound, and your life isn't your own.

A week ago, my youngest son called me to say that his older brother was in the hospital after a serious bicycle accident. He'd fractured his skull, had a subdural hematoma, a broken collarbone, and a cracked rib. He'd been in the emergency room for several hours, a friend having called an ambulance after the wreck, and was headed to ICU. Needless to say, my husband and I jumped in the car and made the first of many hour-long drives into the hospital. My stomach was in knots, my thoughts were going to places I didn't want to be, and though I told myself to control the tears... well, I just couldn't co-operate. When we found our son in that curtained and darkened space, the tears started flowing. He tried to reassure me, but you know that words can't always soothe the fear, and the emotions just have to get out.

By the time we left the ICU that evening, after the nurses told us to go home, that they would take good care of our son, we'd talked with the neurosurgeon and I felt much more encouraged. Not only did our son have the injuries listed above, but he'd also bruised his brain in a second location and fractured his sinus cavity which could lead to other issues. BUT... the doctor felt that because he'd been fairly clear and coherent throughout the day, he'd make it through just fine. Our son was in the ICU through Tuesday night, and then he was moved into a regular room for another day. He was released on Thursday morning and so far, so good.

I am extremely thankful for my youngest son who got to the ER as soon as he heard the news and who took charge, asked and answered questions, and listened to everything so that he could fill us in. He also had his brother come home with him after his release from the hospital and tended to him for a couple days during his early recovery. It makes a mother proud!!

So you think that's enough? I sure did... but NO! My dad called on Tuesday afternoon to tell me that my step-mother was heading to the other hospital. She'd been wearing a heart monitor and when the results were read, the doctor reported that her fatigue, her shortness of breath, and her all-around discomfort were due to the fact that her heart was beating only 10 times per minute. Okay... with news like that, it's a wonder she was still breathing at all! So on Wednesday, we traveled into and across town to visit our two family members who were in not so great shape in two different hospitals. It was a very long day following three very long days... and did I mention stressful?

My step-mother had a pacemaker implanted on Friday afternoon, so we were back at the hospital for the afternoon. When we arrived, we found our youngest son sitting in the room with his grandparents. The surgery was a great success, and my step-mother is doing well. In no time, I hope, she will be feeling better than ever and able to get back to a normal life without feeling so tired all the time. My dad is much relieved, for sure!

One week of living like that is enough for me. So many heavy burdens, so little sleep, so many emotions, and so little control over any of it. I was reminded of many things this week, not the least of which is that life takes its twists and turns and I ain't the driver. I can't control the events of life. Accepting that fact sooner than later makes living just a wee bit easier in the sense that when a hard turn comes up, you just lean into it, steel yourself for what's round the bend, and do the best you can. But knowing it and doing it... two very different things.

And yes, lots of other lessons and reminders came along this week, but I'll deal with those later. One thing at a time.

So that hummingbird up there at the top of the post? On Friday morning, during a rare few minutes alone, I sat on the deck in the sunshine, warming my tired bones and getting energized for the day, and enjoyed the many hummingbirds who were jousting for a spot at the feeder. Those little souls move at a very fast pace, and though they sometimes hovered only a foot away from me, I couldn't quite catch them in focus with the camera. But their mid-air dancing and swooping and chasing and chirping remains focused in my mind and serves to remind me of both the simplicity and the complexity of this waltz of life.

Monday Musings... The Romantics

This morning I was up and out early, by 8:00, to do some mowing before the blistering 90+ degree North Carolina heat and humidity set in. Sometimes when I mow or garden or stack wood, I don't focus on anything except the job at hand. But sometimes I reflect on my life or the state of things in the world. Today I thought about The Romantics, a 19th century group of writers. The Romantics are my favorite group of writers for a variety of reasons, not the least being their connection with the natural world and the common folk. When I did my student teaching at a high school back in the early 1990s, this was the group of writers with whom I chose to begin, and my students loved that we went outside for class, under the trees, to read and discuss these writers and poets from 200 years ago. I guarantee they remember those classes still. It is the group of writers I always come back to when I need to get my bearings straight.

I suppose I thought of them because of a discussion on Friday night while we were visiting with our son. My son is a photographer and he often photographs furniture for companies and for the International Furniture Market held in nearby High Point every spring and fall. On Friday night he showed us the latest furniture brochure, the photos of which were his work. I was proud! Then he showed us a chair, a simple design with a woven wicker seat, comfortable too. The price tag? $15,000. I was aghast... "What? This isn't even curly maple, or rosewood, or walnut or anything special!" I cried. "It's pine!", I said, which was verified by my husband who knows his wood quite well, being a knifemaker who uses wood in the handles. My son said simply, "It's the designer." Good Lord... who can command that kind of money for such a simple thing that you plop your butt on for a short period of time? It's insane, in my mind. Just think what $15,000 could do if spent in other ways... say, for instance, to feed the homeless at a local shelter? Or to get a free medical clinic up and running?

When I came inside from mowing, out came my Brit Lit book and I opened to this poem, a favorite of mine... one that I was first introduced to as a teenager in British Literature class in my senior year of high school.

The World is Too Much with Us
William Wordsworth, 1807

The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers;
Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
This Sea that bares her bosom to the moon,
The winds that will be howling at all hours,
And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers,
For this, for everything, we are out of tune;
It moves us not.--Great God! I'd rather be
A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn;
So might I, standing on this pleasant lea,
Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn;
Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea;
Or hear old Triton blow his wreathed horn.

Those lines... "we have given our hearts away" and "we are out of tune" get me every time. They are so blaringly honest and true. They were true in the 1800s and they are true in 2010. What owns our hearts, really? For some, this may not be a pleasant question to answer. And in what ways are we out of tune and what are the consequences? Being out of tune in diet and exercise because we need fast and quick and cheap to enable our sedentary lifestyles affects our health, requiring larger medical costs and drugs; being out of tune with one another affects our relationships locally and internationally, resulting in so many poor people in our country and in other countries and in young women toiling in sweatshops across the globe so that others can have cheaper products; being out of tune with nature and the natural course of things affects our water, our forests, our oceans, our air, and wildlife.

I've never understood people who need to buy big and buy often. Why must we have big houses and expensive toys? Why do people go into debt, huge amounts of debt, just to have stuff? Why do we put more importance on money than on the people around us, on the forest regions, on health and well-being and peace, for ourselves as individuals and for the world? Why do people work so hard at money-making only to forget their surroundings, to lose contact with the natural world on a daily basis, to forget about their fellow man? I saw this attitude quite often in the college students I taught a few years ago. And of course, that attitude is definitely present in the business world too... shall we say we see it in big oil, down there in the Gulf? And we see it in ourselves... in the desire for cheaper gas at any cost so we can drive hither and yon, unfettered and free, on the smallest whim... not giving thought to the ultimate consequences of our gas consumption.

If you aren't familiar with these 19th century writers, give them a whirl... go check out a book from your library. Fix yourself a little drink, sit under a shade tree or among some flowers, breathe in the summer air, clear your mind, and meditate on the words of these wonderful poets who figured out what life was all about.

Tulip Gatherer by arlenefaye on Etsy

A Sacred Journey

This year has held much sadness and tears for me. We lost our sweet Bruschi who'd suffered so long from seizures, I learned of the death of a lovely Etsian whose blog I had followed with much interest and respect, one of my best friends saw the death of her father recently, three old folks in the nursing home where I sing died just last week, my father went to the funeral of one of his best friends, my brother has told me of the spreading cancer of a musician friend, I have on-line friends who are struggling with cancer treatments and other health-related issues, and of course I've struggled with my own medical issues, albeit not life-threatening, for longer than I care to remember. And this list doesn't even mention the day-to-day struggles that we all deal with, either for ourselves or with a family member or friend.

So I have spent much time this year thinking about life and its mysteries, and yesterday I posted a new treasury on Etsy. Its title is Life is a Sacred Journey, and this is truly how I feel. It does hold mystery, it does hold blessings, it does hold beauty... all in spite of the struggle. The works featured here by these Etsians impart, to me, the beauty of our sacred journeys.


I hope each of you will take time daily to breathe slowly and thoughtfully, to be thankful, to love, to touch the earth, to simply be here on this planet with all of our fellow creatures and be aware of the sacredness of it all.

Life Reflections

Tomorrow afternoon I will have a little surgical procedure done to try and rectify the health issues I have had over the last month. It will be an out-patient kind of deal and hopefully won't be too much trouble or involve too much pain after the fact. I have tried really hard this week not to think of it so I don't get up in arms and all stressed.

But this morning I learned some very sad news of a fellow blogger and Etsian I have followed over the past year, and while I never knew her in person, I did "know" her through her blog and her beautiful photography, and I am so very sad. It has brought me to tears as I reflect on life and death and try to make sense of it all. Life can be hard and it can play some cruel tricks on us, and oftentimes I wonder how we ever get through it. It's a tough game to play, and as I wrote in a recent song, we have to "hold our cards close to our chest" because it isn't always a fair game.

When I struggle with the unfairness of it and the hardships that I see all around me, I usually take a stroll on our land and up and around the mountain. Lately I haven't felt up to such a hike, but just a walk through our yard in the sunshine has helped. So in honor and memory of dear Cat, I'll leave you with some photos of what's happening in our gardens and I hope these will bring you a smile and a sense of peace, as they have done for me.

Hostas...

Strawberry blossom...

Dandelion...

Blueberries in the works...

Rows of early lettuce...

New maple leaves...

Moss...

Baby grapes...

Flowers waiting to be planted...

The Land of Silence

"Soon silence will have passed into legend. Man has turned his back on silence. Day after day he invents machines and devices that increase noise and distract humanity from the essence of life, contemplation, meditation... tooting, howling, screeching, booming, crashing, whistling, grinding, and trilling bolster his ego. His anxiety subsides. His inhuman void spreads monstrously like a gray vegetation." ~Jean Arp

I have spent this week at home, trying to get over a dreadful cold, and I have enjoyed the quiet of my country life, but that is nothing new for me. Here I have no sounds of city streets, no industrial noise, no slamming of doors, no bulldozers or construction chaos. I have, instead, birdsong, the wind, an occasional rooster, and the barking of my own dogs. Yesterday that barking alerted me to a family of four deer in the front yard at the pear tree. They stood, so quiety and observantly, listening to the muffled barking, their heads inclined toward the house. I watched them for as long as they stood there, and then they ambled back towards the woods and the dogs become quiet again. It was a wonderful five minutes.

This silence is meditative and does wonders for my soul. It allows me to wander through my thoughts, digging at the soil in my brain, rooting through the tangled brush, to find ideas that culminate in songs and paintings. And I fear it is something that far too many people cannot or do not enjoy. It is a necessary thing for me, this silence, as much a part of me as my breathing.

I would suggest that you spend 30 minutes each day in total silence, or in the silence of the woods, if that is at all possible for you. I promise that it will open you to your own feelings, to new perspectives, to a reflection that will bring you to a different place... whether one of joy or sorrow, peace or turmoil... only you will know, but it will be a place where you need to spend some time in order to truly appreciate who you are and the life you live, and to make the most of it.